Our Town

Today at the car wash, it was impossible not to overhear the following cellphone conversation...

Annoying Young Hollywood Douche: "Dude, let me tell you man, I shot that first movie for only like $77,000, and you know how much France... yeah France, is going to pay for the rights?"

My Imagined Other End of the Call: "I don't know... $12.50?"

AYHD: "No way man. We pulled down like $55 million for that film from France alone."

MIOEOC: Silence with dramatic eye roll.

AYHD: "So like, I'm thinking on this new film man, we are gonna be like rolling in it. Ya know?"

MIOEOC: "Yeah, O.K., sure.. let me go get the mortgage to my house to put down on this."

AYHD: "With a veteran like me at the helm, we can make this thing fly man. We've just gotta do a little rewrite. The script needs to be like more spooky, and less "Firestartery"

This is when I got up and quietly walked away. But deep inside I was wishing that I was the person that could turn back and say..."Dude, your sunglasses are too big, your hair is too black, your belt is too studded and your shoes are too pointy. And why is there a version of you everywhere I go? Please leave my town. No one is going to buy your movie- not even in France. Good Afternoon."

:)

Ah... the happy face. I get it. It's cute. It's happy. It's all, have a nice day, but these keyboard faces are running amok and getting on my last nerve.

;) - a wink? honestly, I don't trust people that wink at me in real life, much less someone who winks with a semicolon.

^-^ - what is this? a cat peeping over a wall?

:X - are you dead? thinking of becoming a pirate?

:'( - crying? seriously? are we now so inept at expressing ourselves that a crying keyboard face is necessary for me to comprehend your sadness?

:D - are you aghast? really happy? what are you trying to tell me?

Just stop it! They aren't clever. They have the power to make any perfectly normal thought look silly... unless you are eight. ):>

Culinary Genius #1: "So... let's rehash. We've decided we are going to sell Mexican food & Sea food, correct?"

Culinary Genius #2: "Correct. We thought Mexican Seafood was too weird. And now that we have the menu all ironed out, all we need to do is come up with a name for the place."

Culinary Genius #1: "Right. Wait... wait.... I think I've got it! Yes! Garden Juice! We can call the place Garden Juice! Because really... what says Mexican food and Sea food better than Garden Juice?"

Culinary Genius #2: "Man... you nailed it."

Why cure in 1 day... what could take 7

While perusing the feminine hygiene products today at Rite Aid. I noticed that there are now a slew of products available to treat a yeast infection. I remember, back in the day, when there was only one option- Monistat 7. But today, we women have choices. A lot of choices.
What surprises me, is that Monistat 7 is still one of them. Now that we have Monistat 1, the one day cure all... why is the 7 day plan still available? How do you market that? To whom do you market that?

Tell me it's not true

These boots were designed by Michael Kors.
These boots sold out today at Gilt Group.


Both of the above sentences are true.
I swear.

Did you know that you can buy a casket at Costco?

Well... yes, you can. You can grab the Lady of Guadalupe model while you get your oil changed and pick up some poultry. You can also buy tires while you get your eyes checked.. or pick up a toilet and some pretzels.

You can also buy a diamond ring. And not just some little shit ring. They have rings upward of $120,000, and I need to be introduced to the guy that is going to buy his fiance a $120,000 diamond ring from Costco. I need to get inside the head of the guy that will shimmy past the deli counter to talk cut and clarity on the $120,000 ring he is going to buy at COSTCO!

Miss Universe

Ok, so... Miss Universe wrote a book about recovering from a breakup. A break up from Marc Anthony none the less. It goes something like this.... I got up off my couch after the horrible break up, turned the knob to my front door and walked outside. Then, selected a new beau from the 7.4 million other guys waiting outside to date me because I'm MISS UNIVERSE. The End.


I feel for the average young woman in the bookstore that has just been shit on for the 17th time, that picks up that book, scans the cover, and then says to herself... "Yea, I can really relate to this. This is the book for me. My life and that of MISS UNIVERSE are so intertwined, so in synch." To this woman I say you need way more than a break up book. You need serious analysis. She is friggin MISS UNIVERSE, and she needs to shut up and stop talking to us.